When I was 13 years old I was asked to play the piano for Primary, the children’s organization in my church. It was a terrifying assignment. Even though I had taken piano lessons since the age of five, my skills were severely lacking. Oh, I could play, but anything with more than two sharps, three notes per hand, or had large jumps was completely outside my abilities. My mother, an incredible pianist, was appalled that I had been asked and informed me that if I took this assignment that she would not help me if it was too difficult. Despite that warning I still took the challenge and accepted the assignment. It was tough. Have I ever mentioned that I can suffer from severe social anxiety? Anxiety and piano playing in front of listeners don’t always go together, but I was determined. And I learned a lot. But I also often failed. There were songs that were too complex for me to play in front of an audience and I found that being in that situation was absolutely terrifying. Imagine my gratitude when a woman named Jackeen, who had a rough relationship with my mother and therefore wasn’t naturally inclined to help me, stepped in and helped me out whenever I felt truly over my head. She encouraged me to learn the songs well enough to play for singing time with the children, but then when my anxiety would get too intense during performances on particularly difficult songs she would take over and play those songs in my stead. I was so grateful to her!
Throughout my life I have been blessed to have good mentors who have been willing to help me learn the things I need to learn, to help me figure out life, and encourage me along my path. Marilyn was such a person in my youth. She encouraged my love of both history and music. She and I would talk about history for hours and she treated me as though I had valuable thoughts and insights. She also encouraged me to go outside of my comfort zone and sing solos and perform in ways that I wanted to but was too insecure to actually do. Her faith in me gave me courage far beyond what I naturally felt.
Jackie was a woman for whom I babysat. She spent hours helping me try to figure out who I was, spiritually and emotionally. Even though she was busy and the wife of a very successful attorney, she took the time to listen and share her counsel. She was real about her own challenges in life, didn’t sugarcoat her experiences, and helped me sort through my own thoughts. I look up to her for the strength she helped me develop.
Growing up I was frequently made fun of for my clothing, my hair “styles,” my glasses, and other external features. It was so bad that my school counselor called my parents and told them to buy me different shoes and more stylish clothes. Though that didn’t happen for reasons that aren’t important, it shows just how prevalent this problem was. I struggled whenever I had to face my peers. Several years later, when I was a young adult, I attended a workshop led by a woman named Mary. Mary looked at me and declared me beautiful. She then helped me choose colors and styles that would work better for me, each time expressing how wonderful it was that I had the features and style that I did. Her help has impacted me to this day and we have remained friends for decades. I am so grateful for her!
When I was in my mid-20’s I met a peer who lovingly guided me to being the woman she recognized I wanted to be. She taught me how to give service, to not judge those who struggled, to love those around me, and to increase my faith in Jesus Christ. My life completely changed due to her mentoring of me for a very critical year in my life.
I can go on and on with stories of those who have taken me under their wing and truly mentored me. These are different relationships than just friendship – these are people putting in the time and energy to help me improve and grow, not just hang out and be friends, as important as that also is. My writing mentor, my service mentor, my teaching children mentor, my home ownership mentor, etc., are all people who have left indelible marks on who I am.
Why am I telling these stories, especially on Mother’s Day? I tell them because I believe that everyone needs mentors. Mothers can be wonderful, mothers can be difficult, mothers can be abusive, mothers can be examples of loving Christlike behavior, mothers can have good relationships with their children or mothers might have relationships that struggle. No matter where on the scale a mother falls, however, mothers aren’t perfect and they can’t do or be everything. External mentors are important and they can change the trajectory of someone’s life.
When I was in high school there was a young man named James (name has been changed). His father had passed away, leaving a fairly large family with James as the eldest child and James had to work part-time through school in order to help pay the bills. James was one of the most gifted singers I had ever known to that point. He was a talented actor. He was smart. I had heard that he had been admitted to the Julliard School of Music but didn’t accept due to family responsibilities. That was what I heard at the time, but I can’t verify it. Clearly this was a talented young man, but James was also a class clown. Many of us recognized it as a young man struggling to carry too many burdens at too young an age and we loved him and supported him. During these years we also had an extremely gifted choir director and James felt most at home on campus in the choir room. He clearly tried to find a father figure in our choir teacher and he did the typical teenage boy things to get this father figure’s attention. Unfortunately that wasn’t to be. At our senior choir banquet, instead of receiving the accolades he deserved, James was given a statue of a horse’s hind end and it was announced that James was receiving it because he had been a horse’s rear for all four years in choir. You could see the hurt in James’ eyes, even as he came up with some clever comment. I will never ever forget that moment. I don’t know what happened to James, but I do know that he didn’t go on to study the music at the great schools. I’ve often wondered what would have happened had he been mentored instead of mocked by his choir teacher.
I saw a similar situation with a teenage girl several years ago who was essentially pushed away from her faith due to adults who could have mentored her deciding instead that she wasn’t worth their time. Every single time I think about this situation I want to cry. I wonder about how I could have been a greater strength in her life and I wish that I had done more.
So often I look around and wish I had someone helping me traverse the difficult road I’m on. It’s easy to feel frustrated when there’s no one leading the way or even walking beside me. When the anxiety of the lonely road gets too intense, however, I think of all those throughout my life who took the time to mentor an anxious girl who lacked self-esteem and self-confidence. I find myself yearning to make sure that I always have the time to be a mentor to those I see around me. Yes, mentoring those who are younger is valuable. It is equally valuable to mentor peers who are struggling. Someone who is new to a situation, who has recently moved in, who is struggling with aspects of their life is someone who needs a loving mentor to help them navigate. There isn’t a formula, except having a desire to love our neighbors as ourselves.
Mentoring can be time consuming. It requires listening, caring, dispensing wisdom when necessary, and being willing to give loving criticism to help with course corrections. It is a noble calling, and one that we should all strive to fill. In the coming days I am going to look around for more opportunities to mentor. It might only be one person, but if I can help that person gain confidence then I have succeeded. “Lean on me,” the song says. I hope that I can be the person others can lean on, just as so many others have allowed me to lean on them and draw from their strength. I’m also going to look for the mentors I need when I need them. There is no reason to fumble around when there are those willing to reach out their hands and provide the mentorship that is needed. “I just might have a problem that you’ll understand.” We’ll never know unless we ask. We need to ask to help and we need to ask for help. Everyone needs friends, and everyone needs mentors.
Look to God and Live... Joyfully! 