I don’t like change. Nope. Not really. I’ve mentioned before how I like to plan everything in advance and don’t appreciate when my plans don’t work out, but this time I want to talk about bigger change. I have discovered that I like status quo living. It might be difficult at times, but it is still something I am familiar with – and therefore comfortable with. Perhaps the hardest part of change for me is the anticipation of change. I don’t know why, but that anticipation can leave me tied up in knots and stressed to the gills.
When I was a child I had to endure the horrors of swimming lessons at the local high school. I was terrified of going into the deep end. I knew that something was going to happen. It didn’t matter that I would have a swimming instructor right by my side, the anticipation of forgetting what I was doing and therefore drowning kept me awake at night. Of course I didn’t drown. I even learned to swim, haha! Part of swimming lessons at that time was the requirement of jumping off the diving boards – including the high dive. The very thought of such a jump led to a near paralysis on my part. Unfortunately I couldn’t pass the class without that jump, and even more unfortunately I would just have to retake the failed class if I didn’t pass. It was with great trepidation on the appointed day that I began the long trek up the steps to the high dive. It was an eternally long journey. I got to the top and froze. There were kids behind me yelling at me to move. The teacher in the pool below me was yelling at me to move. A lifeguard stealthily came up behind me and told me to go out on the board and do my jump. I’m embarrassed to say that I panicked. I crawled out on that board and peeked over the edge. I panicked some more and absolutely completely froze. The lifeguard came up behind me again, picked me up, and dropped me into the water many many many miles below. I survived. It wasn’t nearly as horrible as I had expected. During that summer I took more jumps off that high dive (although I didn’t ever go back to that board after that summer). My fear was proven to be baseless.
I can give many other incidences where I allowed the anticipation of change to frighten me. It is one of the realities of my life that I often worry that the future will be much worse than anything I am currently experiencing. Ironically, not once has the Lord let me down. I only say ironically, because you’d think that I’d learn the lesson and quit freaking out when change is upon me since the Lord has always proven His great wisdom and love in every single change I have gone through.
When Elizabeth went off to college, Ben and I hated losing her from our daily home life. We were an extremely close threesome. We cried and I dreaded the future. That next year, however, was wonderful in so many ways. Ben and I had opportunities to travel (albeit very short trips, often related to his work), I was able to watch Ben’s arguments before the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals (impossible in the days when I was driving to/from school), and I had opportunities to expand my pool of friends. It was, all-in-all, a very good year.
In June of the following year Elizabeth set off on a mission for our church. We dropped her off at the Missionary Training Center and we cried. Ben said that we’d never be together again as a family, something that I felt was a bit melodramatic, while I cried and cried and cried about how I’d miss my girl. While she had been at BYU we’d talked or texted daily, but I knew that that would be impossible while she was serving a mission. I hated the very thought of this change and I felt a gut-wrenching panic. In this case, however, my fears were justified as the change was bigger than we’d anticipated. Ben suddenly passed away eight days later we dropped Elizabeth off and my world took an unexpected and unanticipated turn.
During the next six years the Lord blessed me beyond measure. No, the change in my circumstances wasn’t easy, but I had growth and opportunities beyond anything I could have ever imagined. The spiritual experiences were exquisitely sweet. Elizabeth’s and my relationship became stronger and closer than ever before. While I hated the event that precipitated the change, the Lord once again showed me that the change wasn’t as horrible as I had feared.
This past Friday morning I got in my car and drove home to Utah after leaving Elizabeth in Cleveland where she will be attending law school. The Lord has whispered that this is a huge change – that my girl will never move back home and that she will be sallying forth on adventures that will keep her far from home for many years to come. My life is once again irrevocably changing. I have panicked every time I have thought about this. Who would I attend shows and concerts with? Who would I visit beautiful gardens with? Who would be my traveling buddy? Where else would I find a kindred spirit to share my thoughts and ideas with? Where would I find my support?
I don’t actually have answers to the above questions. I wish I did. But I look back throughout my life and see that the Lord has always brought positive experiences out of change. Just because I love my status quo doesn’t mean that I won’t love my future as well. Just because I am comfortable doesn’t mean that I won’t love moving forward.
I love sunflowers. In France this summer we were able to see meadow upon meadow of sunflowers and I absolutely was enthralled. As we drove across the United States to Cleveland a couple weeks ago we also saw meadows of sunflowers. This time, however, the sunflowers were different. They weren’t as tall. They tended to be part of bushes instead of individual plants. (For all I know they aren’t traditional sunflowers, but they sure look like sunflowers to me!) I loved these sunflowers as well. Just as the sunflowers in France, these flowers inspired joy every time I saw them. They were different, but they were every bit as joy-inducing.
Change is like these sunflowers. Life isn’t meant to be a static event, but rather an opportunity to enjoy a multitude of experiences. I will always love my French sunflowers. I will always love my Midwest sunflowers. Each has its own unique qualities that make it glorious.
I have decided to embrace this current change. It won’t be easy, but I have a lot of living yet to do. The sunflowers of my future will brighten my life, while the sunflowers of my past will provide a beautiful memory and foundation. It’s time to learn to love change!
Look to God and Live... Joyfully! 