I have a question. What is your response when someone expresses hurt feelings? Be honest. How do you react? Okay, think about different scenarios. What if someone tells you that you hurt them? How about if somebody else offended them? What if what hurt them wouldn’t hurt or offend you? Does that make a difference in your response?
I suspect that for many of us the way we respond to someone’s emotional distress has some relation to how we ourselves feel about the subject or situation. For example, if someone is hurt by someone suggesting they aren’t bright or talented, well, that is something I can relate to. If someone, however, tells me that they are offended by someone saying that they need to gain weight, well that is just something I don’t get.
I’m asking this because of something that occurred this past week at BYU that caused no small division. People were hurt. They were seriously hurt. To compound that initial hurt there were many folks online discounting the hurt, effectively telling the hurt people to not be so sensitive and to “get over it.” Those in the initial hurt group were even more hurt by these shows of indifference and/or the judgments of those who felt the hurts were concocted for attention, unimportant, or mere emotional bruises that could and should easily heal.
One of the most beautiful parts of mortality is that the human race is comprised of a non-homogenous diverse populace. Each individual on earth has a unique personality that is impacted by experiences, mental and physical health, influential people in their lives, etc. God created us this way and allowed us to grow in various environments. He did so for a reason, not least of which is the opportunity to learn from each other, to serve one another, and to become as He is in His perfect love. This individuality allows for, and even ensures that, people respond to words and situations differently. People are not living embodiments of cold dictionary definitions or robots reacting to preprogrammed instructions. People and their emotions are made up of a vast array of inputs that aren’t always fully understood.
Here’s an example from my own life.
A few years ago I was asked a very simple question: Who, not living in your household, should we contact in case of major emergency. Oh, dear. I stewed over this for weeks, for Elizabeth was living at home at the time. I have a younger brother who I didn’t think at the time would be able to, by himself, resolve any major crisis in my life that I wasn’t in a position to help with as he lives far away and works long hours. I figured he’d need to ask help from other family members, but our other brother would at best be unconcerned, my sister would mock and make accusations of my seeking attention, and my father would – after a moment of stress – be dismissive. I then thought about my sweet mother-in-law, but she is bedridden and wouldn’t be in a position to deal with whatever the crisis was that left me incapacitated to help. I chose, therefore, to give the name and phone number of a good friend in California. When I did so, the woman collecting the information asked why I wasn’t using a family member. I told her that that wasn’t an option. She responded with, “everyone has family they can turn to.”This woman is about the sweetest woman anywhere on this earth, but this statement was devastating to me. It dredged up hurts that were best left buried. Over the next many weeks and months I found myself feeling more and more isolated from those around me as I felt the pain of familial loneliness.
Before you worry too much, know that I worked through this and am fine. However, at the time this hurt was excruciating. I talked to a friend, looking for help in overcoming the blue funk I had been sunk in, and was told to “have faith” and to just not be hurt. Aaargh! Trust me, had it been so easy I would have already handled it! This woman, however, had a close-knit extended family and had never known the emotional isolation that I had endured. She had no framework with which to comprehend my struggles. As a result, her response invalidated my hurt and caused greater angst. Over time, however, and with the very wise help of my daughter I moved past the experience.
I tell you this story to point out several things: First, my pain was caused by a lifetime of experiences that couldn’t just be “gotten over.” They were imprinted on my heart and brain and required external help to get past. Second, the woman who caused the hurt did so in complete innocence. She didn’t intentionally try to hurt me. Her comment, however inadvertent, triggered hurts that I wasn’t aware were so close to the surface. Third, our efforts to sympathize and help are too-often colored by our own experiences. Fourth, sentences are more than the individual words. Sentences, when uttered and heard by another, have meanings far beyond the scope of the mere words and are colored by life experiences.
How does this relate to what happened at BYU this week where a prominent individual in the LDS Church gave a talk that was heard differently by different people and caused tremendous pain? To many people the speech seemed filled with love and caring. To many others it was a speech minimizing the experiences of LGBTQ students at the university, and even used language that could encourage bullies to threaten and harm these students. Social media has been rife all week with opinions on both sides of the subject.
I personally believe that the speaker meant to speak a message of love while also preaching about the need to adhere to the school and church’s stated mission. I will not judge the speaker’s intentions as I have no proof to condemn them. Having said that, I absolutely believe that the way these views were stated was harmful to this too-frequently marginalized and bullied population. Their hurts are absolutely completely valid, and I will never tell them to “get over it” or to just “move on.” I cannot fully understand the experiences of my LGBTQ friends, especially those belonging to a largely conservative religion, and therefore I cannot and will not judge their reaction to a speech such as the one in question. Interestingly, I discovered that as I listened to people explaining where the hurts within the speech occurred I was able to get a better grasp of why there was so much pain, despite my being on the outside looking in. I may not fully understand, but I can love and care.
I’ve thought about the Good Samaritan this week. When he stopped to help the man who had been set upon by thieves he didn’t question the background of the victim. He didn’t suggest that the man somehow caused his own struggles. He didn’t judge, even though Samaritans and Jews were traditional enemies. Instead, this Godly Samaritan just stopped to love and to provide succor. He stepped up when stepping up was necessary to save another soul. In this he kept the second great commandment to love others as we love ourselves.
As Christians we are called upon to mourn with those who mourn and to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We aren’t tasked with figuring out whether the mourning and need for comfort make sense in our worldview. What we are asked to do is to care, to heal, to nurture, and to love.
I don’t believe that people want to be hurt or purposefully look for offense. I believe that once wounded, people then find those wounds acerbated by further experiences. Those experiences validate their already tender sensibilities on the given subject and they are then more susceptible to further hurt.
As stated above, people are complex creatures made up of individual experiences, personalities, external voices influencing their lives, and even mental and physical health. I believe that as Christians and as fellow pilgrims on this journey of life that we need to love one another as Christ has loved us. We need to remove the stumbling blocks of indifference and hard-nosed disapproval that invalidate people’s experiences and emotions. As we do this we will discover that the world is a much kinder place for all of God’s children.
NOTE: Enjoy TWO musical selections this week!
Look to God and Live... Joyfully! 