How many of you watched the Olympics the past two weeks? Raise your hands (just kidding). Don’t worry if you didn’t, for there were sufficient reasons to boycott and I assuaged my guilt by minimizing my viewing to mostly just the figure skating, and even then only bits of that.
One of the most beautiful figure skaters I have ever watched was competing in these games and she was hands-down the favorite to win it all. Kamila Valieva is a 15-year old girl from Russia who has changed women’s figure skating forever, despite her youth. In a shocking moment, however, in the middle of the games it came to light that that this young woman had tested positive for a banned substance back in December (as well as other unexpected, but unbanned, drugs), and based on what those substances were it was clear this young girl hadn’t acted on her own. Obviously the whole issue led to a scandal of Olympic proportions. Her nation’s leaders rallied behind Kamila and fought for her to be able to skate despite everything, and she did, leading to international outrage. This poor young woman was caught in the crosshairs of powerful adults fighting over her and she, quite frankly, seemed confused and totally at sea.
On Thursday the women’s long program was held. Kamila went out on the ice and immediately you could see her famous poise was shaken. As you could expect, given the scrutiny and extra pressure she was under, she didn’t do well. She fell – more than once. It was as subpar a performance from her as you could ever imagine.
At the end of the skate this young girl, looking very young and very scared and very distraught, stood alone in the center of the ice, fighting tears. She finally moved to the side as required where her coach immediately began berating her. This young 15-year old, shaking and afraid and devastated, had as her “comfort,” words of blame and shame. And it wasn’t just a momentary lapse, either, quickly moved on from. Instead, as Kamila moved to the “kiss and cry” booth where she had to stay until her scores were posted, her coach continued taking her to task. Kamila’s shoulders hunched. Her head was bowed. She was shaking. She was crying. In a moment I will never ever forget, her red-gloved hands crept towards her ears, seeking – it seemed – to shut out the sound of the relentless criticism. It broke my heart. I am not using hyperbole when I say that I believe that image will be etched in my brain for the rest of my life. The pain, the real pain of a struggling fellow human – a child, even – was on public display with no one to offer comfort or support. Even now I am tearing up as I remember that video.
Words. Oh, my goodness, words. Our words and our actions have such an impact on others. It’s easy to forget that, though, as we try just to deal with life and all of our daily strife and fight to win whatever battle we are in. I’m sure you remember the old rhyme: “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Wrong. The reality is that words can do more good or more harm – in long lasting ways – than almost any physical attack.
In our closing hymn at church today we sang, “You can speak a gentle word to a heart with anger stirred, if there’s sunshine in your heart. Though it seems a little thing, it will Heaven’s blessings bring…” Yes. Yes, it will. While it sounds so easy on paper and in songs to use our words for good and not ill, to bless and not traumatize, to lift up instead of tearing down, in reality it can be much harder. It takes effort.
The Apostle James wrote, “But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be.” (James 3:8-10) What an indictment, and what a call to repentance!
I remember a Saturday not long after Ben had died. I went and did my grocery shopping and it was an emotional experience. See, Ben and I did our shopping together on Saturdays and it was a way to spend time together and talk. It was something we looked forward to, as silly as that sounds. Anyway, on this Saturday I did my shopping and was quite proud of myself for not breaking down in the store, but once in my car I became a wreck. I was bawling. I started backing out my car — from the dark covered parking structure – and nearly hit someone. This person started screaming and gave hand motions that weren’t exactly polite and called me names that were far from friendly. I admit, I deserved her censure. But she didn’t know what I was going through that night, and who knows how she would have responded if she had. I hope it would have been with more compassion. However, though, her knee jerk reaction and words stayed with me for a long time afterwards, causing tremendous pain.
That was a small thing, but as I talk to people I discover that the angry, hateful, unkind words said to them, no matter the setting or circumstance, are the ones that stick in their minds and destroy their peace and self-confidence. How absolutely tragic. If we could look at every communication as an opportunity to build up those around us what a much happier world we would have. Doesn’t mean we can’t deal with difficult problems by addressing them and correcting others as needed, but there are ways to handle them that are loving, and other ways that are not.
I recently had an experience where I was dealing with a customer service worker on the phone. My package was many weeks late and had been ping-ponging between North Salt Lake and West Jordan and I just wanted to go get it. For goodness sakes, it was a few miles from my house and I needed it. (We won’t talk about another package that somehow ended up in Alaska, and Taiwan, and all over the globe before getting to me, haha!) I was frustrated and I started taking my frustration out on the worker. At some point, however, the Spirit reminded me that I was talking to a vulnerable and real human being who had no control over company policy. I stepped back and calmed down. I assured her that I wasn’t upset at her, just the situation. My entire attitude changed – and her defensiveness disappeared as well. We even ended up laughing. What a happier use of my words!
I look back at so many times in my life when I have used my words impulsively. I think of times when I definitely have not lifted, but have condemned. I ache to go back and have a re-do. Unfortunately I can’t.
I especially think of when people are hurting and wonder how frequently I have caused more hurt. Obvious hurts and stresses are easy for many of us to rise to the occasion and give kindly words, but usually we have no idea if someone is having a “Jonah day” (to quote Anne from Anne of Green Gables) or a day of great confidence and hope. Therefore it is always best to assume that there are “sorrows that the eye can’t see” in the hearts of everyone we communicate with. I currently am dealing with a situation where I am going to have to take assertive action that will be difficult. I need to make sure that I do so with loving language, not anger; with charity, not hatred. It won’t be easy, but it is vital. Communicating with love is always the right answer.
Since I watched the horrible video of the ice skating on Friday night I have yearned to race over and give young Kamila Valieva a hug – a very big hug. I have prayed hard that someone will be there to pick up her traumatized pieces and put her back together. I obviously am not in any sort of position to do so (it would kind of seem weird if I did, don’t you think?), but someone is. While I can’t personally comfort her, what I can do is reach out to Kamila by proxy. I can make sure that I use all my words and actions to bless and uplift and comfort. That is the lesson I have learned from the Winter Olympics of 2022. Words matter. Love matters. Charity matters. Winning a particular contest is but a small blip in a person’s eternity, but the love we share will bless through all generations, down through the ages, and into forever. I hope Kamila finds that kind of support. I hope I will be that kind of support to others. I hope we have all learned that words truly do matter.
Look to God and Live... Joyfully! 