A really bad thing happened on Friday up here in Utah. BYU was playing against Duke in a Women’s Volleyball tournament in Provo when a fan began shouting racial epithets at an African American Duke player. We don’t have a ton of details, but we know that the taunting continued throughout the match. A relative of the young player said that after the match this same man issued a threat for her to watch her back.
What a despicable thing to happen! I’ve been thinking about this since I first learned about it and have been struck by the fact that people sat by and let this continue. The crowd nearby did not rise up en masse and turn on the offending individual. Steps were taken by the university after the match to prevent this man from having access to athletic venues and events in the future, but the question remains: where was the immediate call to stop this man? Where were the defenders of this young woman?
I believe that one of the most courageous things we can do is to stand up for another person. It’s hard enough if it’s someone we’re close to, but if we don’t know them it takes even more courage.
Too frequently we hear about violent crimes being committed with bystanders looking the other way. Those events are unfathomable. But standing by and watching as bullying, in any form is occurring, should be equally unfathomable. The consequences of inaction are huge. Too many children, for example, are dying from suicide because they experience extreme bullying for just being themselves and nobody steps up to help. Blaming the victim or looking the other way is a much easier approach.
I tend to be a wimp. Through the years I have allowed fear to dictate too many of my actions. I have seen people bullied and heard them belittled behind their backs and too often have done nothing. Mind you, I often tried to befriend the victim in a quiet way, away from the teeming frothing mob, but defending them in front of others was definitely outside my comfort zone.
Here’s an example. There was a young LGBTQ youth at church when I was growing up. His stepbrother bullied him; church leaders belittled him; and he was an outcast from most of his peers at church. He was my friend, but I did nothing to openly support him. I have long regretted not standing up to those who made his life difficult.
I have a very lengthy list of people I love of different races, ethnicities, income levels, mental health conditions, physical health conditions, gender identities, and faiths that I have seen endure the “slings and arrows of outrageous” behavior (my apologies to Shakespeare). What has kept me from standing up for them when it counted?
I admit that anxiety about having people angry at me is a large part of it. In more recent years I’ve lost some of that fear and I’ve been far more willing to stand up for the marginalized members of society, but it still can be hard. I was raised to judge others and the phrase “better snob than slob” was frequently heard in my home. A slob, by the way, was anyone who didn’t fit our ideal mold of normal and acceptable behavior. When I would befriend an “unacceptable” I was often scolded and punished at home. So, yes, I’m sure that anxiety played a role in my inaction.
Another excuse was that I used to think that standing up for someone or something required a level of aggressiveness I just don’t have. I associated it with contention. As a college student I participated in a week-long “Sacramento Seminar” learning the ins and outs of state government. One of the other students would frequently interrupt a congressional speaker they didn’t agree with by making running commentary filled with rude remarks. That same student cornered a state legislator and literally shook them by the lapels as they yelled at them for holding positions contrary to the student’s. When I refused to join in the fray and agree with this student I was mocked. This is what I associated with standing up for your beliefs and it wasn’t something I could do. The fear of causing contention and of being mocked held me back from standing up.
Then I met some friends who taught me that standing up for others could be done with a light touch. One friend would respond to people bullying someone else by employing sarcasm. Another would respond that the bullying or belittling wasn’t Christlike or made her uncomfortable. Another would find solidly positive things to say about the person being verbally attacked. Yet another would put an arm around the person and tell the others to stop it. In each case the defender would publicly go out of their way to befriend the person and send a silent message that they were on that person’s side. It was so life altering for me to witness. I was so grateful to marry Ben, who believed that absolutely no one deserved to be bullied and he often stood up for the one being persecuted.
The Savior taught us repeatedly that we are to love one another and to care for our neighbor. No where does Christ give exceptions of not loving someone due to their race, their looks, their musical choices, gender identities or any other reason. The second great commandment is to love others. It’s kinda important. And love is an action word. Christ taught that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for another. Laying aside our fears and insecurities in order to defend another seems to fit that bill as well.
I think of this volleyball player on Friday. How many times has she been served with vitriolic comments because of her race? Probably too often. How frequently have people stood up to condemn the bully and defend her? Probably not enough.
This country and world won’t be healed as long as we refuse to defend those marginalized by others. Edmund Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Stopping the bullies is doing something. Standing up to defend others is doing something. Opening our mouths to always speak love and never hate is definitely doing something.
We can learn from these experiences. It takes courage to act. I’m trying to be less like the Cowardly Lion pre-Oz and more like him after he was told that he really did have courage. Courage. What a wonderful trait to develop!
Look to God and Live... Joyfully! 