Before I get started, I have to state that I made it! Every summer since Ben’s death I have had some sort of medical crisis. I’ve had surgeries, my head injury, stitches, ER visits, undiagnosable ginormous bug bites, illness, and more. This has been every single summer since 2016. I am happy to report that the autumnal equinox came at 6:43 this morning, breaking the curse! Give three huzzahs and three hip-hips and let’s celebrate!
Now back to regularly scheduled programming.
I am one of the first people to suggest that I get overwhelmed when tasked with assignments that feel “impossible.” That impossibleness might be because of lack of experience on my part, seeming physical realities, or a host of other reasons. I am actually a very big scaredy-cat when it comes to so many things and it’s easy to hide behind the shield of “it’s impossible” instead of forging onward and upward when faced with challenging situations.
When I was 16 years old, I took driver’s ed at school. It terrified me. The day came that we were going to drive over Fullerton Road – a winding narrow road taking one between Orange and Los Angeles Counties. I knew – I just absolutely completely knew – that I was going to drive that car, and all its occupants, off the side of that steep hillside. I couldn’t sleep all night the night before. I prayed so hard. In an effort to be brave that morning I grabbed my pink LA Dodgers ballcap and put it on my head. That silly cap gave me confidence that I could do anything, and I made it over Fullerton Road without crashing the car! I became convinced that what made the difference was feeling confident enough to forget my own fears, and I held onto that for years and years. Confidence dresses, confidence earrings, confidence necklaces, confidence stuffed animals all became important parts of my existence.
It sounds so superstitious when I write it this way, but the truth is that sometimes we need to have some sort of extra boost to help us get through a scary situation. For so very long, if I didn’t have my little external confidence boosters, I allowed fear to take over.
Take the time I went snowmobiling. Now that was pretty hilarious. I was so convinced that I was going to tip over and crash down the mountainside, that I did my warmup laps (far away from the cliff) at 5 miles per hour. Once we started going up the trail the group constantly had to stop for extended periods waiting for me to catch up. I went so slow at one point that I got stuck in a snowbank. I didn’t have anything convincing me that I could actually do this. Mind you, in order to even get that much courage I had to sing “courage songs” the entire way. *sigh* My life is littered with such ignominious stories. Parasailing, zip-lining, motorcycle riding, and more are all profiles in panic. I am happy to say, however, that I have managed to do all these things, despite my terror.
When I worked at JC Penneys as a young adult I suffered from pretty extreme social anxiety. Speaking to people I didn’t know was a terrifying idea. I discovered, however, that whenever I wore my work badge that I could talk to anyone! The fear disappeared.
I’m sharing these stories for a bigger reason than just a skip down an embarrassing memory lane. I’m sharing them because it’s always good to remember that we are capable of far more than we often think we are. One of my favorite scriptures from the New Testament is from Paul’s second epistle to Timothy: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I can quote this to anybody at any time and in any place. I believe it with all my heart – unless it’s about myself, hahaha.
Seriously, however, we really don’t have to fear failure or life as much as many of us do.
Here’s a bit of a silly example, but bear with me. I have a non-traditional doggy door. Instead of having a hole in my wall with a flap, I have this big lever-like thing on my door for the dogs to push in order to go outside. The problem is is that they don’t use it. I spent hours trying to train them on it, including getting on my hands and knees and pushing the door open with my nose. The dogs won’t use it. They’ll open the door a tch in order to get my attention, but that’s it. They do use it to get back inside the house, however – just not to go outside. The other day I had just gotten home from work and someone was in the backyard doing some work. Toby wanted me to let him out, but I chose not to. Toby got so impatient that he raced to the door, pushed the giant lever thing, and ran outside – terrifying the person out there. It took me a few moments to realize what had happened. The silly dog proved he could do something that he didn’t think he could do before! (Mind you, he hasn’t used it since. *sigh*)
I think of all this now because it seems as though since Ben died that I am frequently having to do things that feel impossible or impossibly scary. I keep wishing that I had my magic pink Dodgers hat or other paraphernalia to help me be successful. Unfortunately, however, I don’t. I have myself: my experience, my faith, my sheer grit, my seeing no other way but forward, and that’s good enough. I’m also learning to differentiate between truly impossible and just scary, and I’m learning to – as we say at work – use my words and communicate when something is in the former category. I’m needing to do soul searches to cull out the scary from the literal impossibles. I’m learning to ask for help when needed, and that’s actually a very good feeling.
Most importantly, however, is the knowledge I’m gaining that with God, courage, and determination most things can be overcome and accomplished. Isn’t that cool? I think it is.
Look to God and Live... Joyfully! 